The human mind is a product of evolution. This simple and seemingly obvious statement is the starting point for an emerging science, called evolutionary psychology, which has revolutionized the study of the human mind. First popularized in books such as Edward Wilson’s Sociobiology and Richard Dawkins’s The Selfish Gene, evolutionary psychology has led to natural explanations of previously inexplicable behaviors. Females invest much more than males in the birth of a child, meaning that women will tend to be more choosy in their mate selection, while men will tend to be natural philanderers. On the other hand, women—just like men—would like their mate to have the best possible genes, so a woman should not hesitate to conceive a child with the brawny hunk down the street so long as she can make a cuckold of her scrawny, devoted partner, fooling him into caring for the offspring of her elicit affair.
As the name indicates, evolutionary psychology is the application of evolutionary thinking and modes of analysis to the problems traditionally considered the sole purvey of psychology. The general applicability of evolution is limited, however, because it is more of an explanatory than a predictive theory. Evolution is wonderful at explaining how particular characteristics might have arisen, but it is powerless to explain what will happen in the future. While evolutionary psychology provides many novel explanations for human behavior, it also leaves many questions unanswered. Why do humans wage war? Why are people so lazy? To begin answering these important questions, we must bring to bear a theory more powerful than evolutionary psychology.
After considering this conundrum, I have come to a conclusion at once startling and now seemingly obvious. I had to remind myself that the most brilliant ideas often seem, with hindsight, to be utterly apparent. The most powerful branch of science clearly is physics—it has brought us the computer, the plane, and the bomb. It is the epitome of reason, therefore, to conclude that physics will provide the final elucidation of human character and relationships.
It is one thing to make the assertion that physics will furnish the ultimate theory of psychology, quite another to complete this arduous task. Considerations of intellectual property prohibit me from explicating the entire theory—with applications from all branches of physics—in this paper, but I am confident that a brief glimpse of the explanatory power of the comparatively simple-minded classical mechanics will convince most readers that the end of Freudian psychology is in sight. Although of course, we must praise those brave, but backward, souls who brought us this science that has entered the twilight of its influence.
As a taste
of the new theory, I include here
An astute reader may have come upon
an obvious question while reading the previous paragraph: How difficult is it to influence a given
person’s trajectory? Luckily,
Convincing the scavenger mentioned above to return to the living room before he reaches the refrigerator may require a substantial applied force. Knowledge of physical psychology may aid, however, in achieving the maximum possible response with the minimum amount of effort. Careful experiments have determined that, in the example given above, the most effective method for inducing a quick return is some sort of sudden change in the environment, a sound perhaps, for instance a startled yell of “touchdown.”
preceding two laws illuminate how one
person can influence another, but they do not explain why a person might want to apply that influence.
 Stephen Hawking’s publisher claimed that every equation in A Brief History of Time would reduce book sales by a factor of two. Hawking therefore restrained himself to the single equation E = mc2. In my case book sales are not paramount, yet they are, nonetheless, a consideration of sorts.